I was walking through the park today and I was thinking about how hard I find it to make decisions. It can actually be quite paralysing at times as it’s not just about making the decisions but following through with them that I find difficult and I think this comes down to being afraid, hmmm maybe not the right word, this comes down to not wanting to make the wrong choice and then feeling trapped in such a way that I feel I can’t get out of the decision I have just made.
When I thought about what the belief system was behind my craziness, I came up with a few interesting facts about myself:
1) If I feel trapped then I must believe that I am not free
2) If I feel trapped I must feel like others are in control of me.
I don’t think I’m alone in feeling this way by the way. The moment we come into this world we are living by the rules, guidance and indoctrinations of others in order for to learn the “right” way to be, act and speak. When I looked at this “trapped” issue from a different perspective and got to the grass roots of when it all started, I could easily see where this stems from.
For a long time I have felt trapped, trapped in a brain that is unpredictable and sensitive. Also trapped in my perspective of being trapped in a brain that is unpredictable and sensitive. By that I mean feeling trapped within my mind about the shame and fear of having a seizure in public and the potential humiliation I would have to deal with after within myself. Feeling a seizure coming on and knowing there is not much you can do to avoid the big grand mals, is the biggest entrapment I have ever experienced in my life and I have now felt this over 250 times in the last 27 years.
For a long time I have subconsciously avoided placing myself in situations where I feel like I can’t escape, or have an exit strategy from. In my mind, this feels the same as not being able to run away from having a seizure. If I can’t see an exit to a situation that is easy then I just won’t go down that road and I’ll find another situation to be in.
One other thing that has been reflected to me by others recently is that I don’t look people in the eyes when I talk to them. I do when I’m listening but not all the time, I tend to look at people’s lips. When I’m talking, I tend to look away or look just under their chin. It was pointed out the other day by a friend. I have always been unconsciously conscious of this but never realised how obvious it was to the other person and no-one has pointed it out to me.
I know where this comes from as well. It comes from years of trying to hide myself from people. Not allowing others to see me and let’s face it, when you look into another’s eyes be it a friend, lover or family member, you are seeing the windows to their soul. Whilst I was on my journey of self-discovery, I particularly avoided eye contact with family and close friends as I didn’t want to see their disappointment and fear around my choices, particularly because I wasn’t confident about what I was doing at all, I was experimenting and trying to find solutions to an unpredictable brain my way!!
Avoiding eye contact and living in another state so I couldn’t see their eyes, made it much easier for me to explore without having to explain myself and feel guilt that I couldn’t afford to feel when I was on this journey. It would have totally fucked it up for me and I may have surrendered to it, who knows. I also didn’t have enough faith in the messages that I had to share so thus it was and in some respects, still is, a self-worth thing as well.
Funny though as I have so much self-worth and self-respect now compared to other years but the neuro pathways of fear of letting people see me still runs in the hard wiring pretty deep. If life was meant to be easy – we wouldn’t be alive. I am definitely ALIVE!
Gratitude and Love to all