Once upon a time there lived a ballsy young woman who decided that at 28, after living on way too much of the wrong treatment and medication with side effects for 7 years, that she would take herself off the medication and find out what in fact was causing her brain to spark at random times like a New Year’s Fireworks show.
I am 45 now and if you hadn’t worked it out, I am that ballsy woman that decided to step sideways from the system. In order to embark on this self-experiment, I started a journal shortly after the initial weaning off the meds so I could document all the lifestyle choices that surrounded the electrical activity in my head. What I ate, what I drank, who I saw, was I pre-menstrual or did I have my period, who I had sex with, what vitamins/supplements was I taking, did I fight with anyone or have stress in the day and if so what it was and so on.
At the end of 6 months I had a really good look at the journal and the pattern that was unfolding and one thing became very evident to me.
- My seizures were very linked into issues around feeling abandoned and dishonoured by men and yes….they were from my old “daddy issues”.
Some people might be thinking “but you were diagnosed as an epileptic, daddy issues can’t make you have seizures”. Well, in my experience, bloody oath they can if they aren’t dealt with properly and become emotional baggage. There are many viewpoints on this concept and no two people have the same epilepsy. Mine, is triggered by emotions and hormones. I know very well that my life choices around these two things are what make my seizures either come to life or stay dormant.
Over the years of living with and managing my seizures inside and outside of the western medical template, I absolutely worked out that being in the “wrong” love relationships were adding to me continuing to be an epileptic. So instead of dealing with the issues behind my relationship baggage, I did what I thought was a smart idea at the time and creatively designed a massive guard around my heart so that I didn’t have to fall in love and trust and be vulnerable and then I’d never have another seizure again. So Simple in theory. Did it work in real life? Negatore!
What I needed to do in hindsight, was go directly to the shadow side of the issues and deal with why the seizures were happening around my love relationships. This has been a very long process and to be honest is still unfolding but I made a decision just recently to entrust my heart to love again even though I know, from past experiences, that it could potentially bring on the beast that is the Grand Mal Seizure. It was a risky and brave move but a necessary leap of faith that needed to be taken as I wanted to feel that connection with someone again. I wanted to feel that electricity you feel when you allow yourself to merge with someone. Avoiding opening this loving, trusting, vulnerable side of myself up out of fear of having a seizure has been beneficial on many levels but also there has been a part of me that has been missing out on true intimate connection because of this fear.
Spoiler alert, the relationship ended after 4 weeks due to us wanting different things and as hard as that pill was to swallow, I am super proud of myself for trusting and throwing myself in wholeheartedly for the journey and….I didn’t have a seizure. Woo Hoooooooo!!
Electric Love now has a place back in my heart again and my “daddy issues” aren’t in the driver’s seat of my life anymore, I am!
Yours in love, light and electricity